The cold autumn wind is what made her realize for the first time… She had always looked very differently at the world and suddenly everything stopped making sense. Had she taken the decision too fast? She was oblivious to the fact that there was something way more powerful than her and her little experiment. She couldn’t stop thinking about how her one remark had changed the entire course of things, not only in her life but also in his. Revenge is a tricky business especially when its sought between two friends. The general bond of their existence had altered in that one moment. She felt like she was choking. Choking on exaclty what, she wasn’t sure. She felt like screaming, ripping something off, physically hurting the person that brought about this pain to her. But, alas, that was exaclty what she couldn’t do. The rules of society forbid her from doing so. She was angry, about what she knew not…
She had realized that she did not know what she wanted. She realized this on her way back home. She had absolutely no clue about what she wanted. Up until a few days back, she thought she had it all. The feeling can be a tad overbearing on one’s character. Was she sure she wanted it all? This was the question she was afraid to answer. She feared that if she did, nothing would be the same again. Dreaming of big things is not what lacked in her agenda, making them into a reality, or atleast working for the desired results scared the lord out of the girl. She was losing out on time. But again, if she was positive that the schedule she had made of her life didn’t stand valid anymore, she really didn’t have to worry about doing everything on ‘time’. What did she want? How was she going to get what she wanted? How much time would that require of her? Would it be worth the wait, the recources and her time? She had one very big problem, she could never organize her thoughts… She always feared that whatever she pursued would end badly as a result of which she never really got to trying it out.
He was the first thing she had tried. Her mind warned her against it, but there was something about him that soothed her. He calmed her down, emotionally. She felt at peace when she spoke to him. He was her friend more than being her lover. Her life prior to him had been an a calculated mess. She could not get over his charming presence. Every girl around wished she could have a man like that. But everybody has secrets, when she found out about his, she didn’t want anything to do with him. The idea of being with anyone else nauseated her. She hated being without him. She really didn’t have many friends upon whom she could trust. She wasn’t sure if she had done the right thing by saying those awful words. Yes, those words… How she wished she’d never said them. It brought back unpleasant memories from her past. The past she convinced herself she would soon forget but somehow it kept coming back.
Her life wasn’t out of the ordinary. It was acutally very normal, if you will. She grew up in a loving family with secure parents and was raised like any other. She loved watching movies, she loved theatre and she loved dramatic books. She wanted drama to touch her and battle it out. It sounds extremely bizarre but she wanted problems. Just so that she could solve them. She believed it would give her something to do. She’d always been fairly pleasant to people, but somehow they never seemed to like her. She wasn’t plain, oh no, she was beautiful, but in a way it evaded the world. She yearned what she could not have. But so do most people. About one thing she was absolutely certain, is that she didn’t want to live her life plainly and die. She wanted to do something, live a scandalous life if not anything else. Some people are born special, and she was positive she was one of them. But how was she going to convince other people about this little notion of hers?
Although she’d been told a million times, that it didn’t matter what other people thought, she firmly believed that the only thing that matters is what other people thought. She wondered to herself why she felt so, she had no reason to. Her mother had taught her that attention seeking people are the ones that are not loved. Well, she was loved, yet she yearned for attention herself. She didn’t perceive it as sinful. Afterall she was in the glamour industry. She was absolutely convinced that this was the place for her to be.
So when, she realized that particular afternoon that she wasn’t sure what she wanted, it struck her as odd. She had compromised on a few decisions in her life and had to pick different course of likings on her way, but that couldn’t be it. She was sure that a few detours could not have led to this change in mind. She had always wanted to study in the london college of arts, but when her father refused to allow such a thing she convinced herself of another choice. Hence, that one compromise could not have triggered the realization. It had to be something else. Why was it so hard? When had life become so complicated for her? With these thoughts in her head, she closed her eyes, she had to sleep now… She couldn’t st
She had woken up now… She’d slept badly, to say the least. She went downstairs to make herself a cup of coffee. The thoughts from last night and especially the pain it caused her remained etched in her mind and in her heart. She felt empty. She didn’t know why she felt empty. All this was not making any sense, because everything prior to this breakdown was always analyzed by her. And the highlight was that she was able to analyze it. What had changed in the past few days? It could not have been only him. There had to be another, suitable and sensible alternative to it. Why was she thinking so much? She never thought this much…
Wow, so many unanswered questions… she had to do something about it. Go soul searching if that’s what it required. At this point she took a notepad and a pen and wrote down these words
STOP IT!
She couldn’t take it anymore. She decided she needed to go back to the place it all started. In a moment of desperation she had done something she never wanted to do… She had cried. She’d always believed that crying was a sign of weakness. The people who cry are cowards who are too afraid to face their problems. Today she wasn’t so sure about this theory… maybe crying was just a part of life. Maybe it was just a physical expression of how you felt on the inside. This made her aware of one thing, she wasn’t empty. There was pain, so there was substance. She hadn’t turned into a heartless snake, the pain in her heart was proof of this. She was glad, yes, in this time of suffering she had finally got a lead, so she was glad…
But there were so many things that still required solutions. This was just a start. But it was a start nevertheless. In the past two years she had experienced things she never thought she would. Pain and suffering were those things. She’d never wanted these things, she just wanted momentum and drama. Well, now she realized that these things came hand in hand. All four, momentum, drama, suffering and pain. Yet there was a part of her that was glad that this had happened. She’d heard in a movie, and that line was etched in her brain forever. “Who I was is an absolutely integral part of who I am…” If there was one thing she’d learned it was this, the world does not accept talent or hard work, it accepts experience and nothing less. She remembered when she’d just started out, she was extremely naïve and very innocent. How drastically that had changed.
This story of this girl is a perfect example of assumption. When she started out, people refused to recognize her and they assumed bad things would happen to her. But what nobody actually knew is that she wanted these things to happen to her. They say people get horribly chewed out in the real world but why does anyone refuse to acknowledge the fact that some people want to get chewed out. They believe that that’s what accounts for their life’s worth. She was one of those people. She wasn’t really afraid of anything, she loved the idea of action. And that’s exactly what she got. The idea made her feel worthy. She didn’t see anything wrong in being the protagonist of her own life. Because as we know, more often than not, that’s not true. People lead their lives under someone else’s influence and it even works for them... But some people choose not to settle for something like this. They want more, more than they have. And sometimes that’s not so bad.
The morning always brought new thoughts in her head. She was accustomed to feeling varied moods in split of seconds, and these mostly happened in the morning. It was weird that particular morning when she felt regret. That was a feeling she’d promised herself to steer clear of. She had convinced herself that everything happens for a reason, and that the decisions you make just paves the way of your path, its not particularly your fault. A person reacts a certain way due circumstances and his/her own habits. She wanted to physically erase the pain, but she didn’t know how. Why did she feel extreme rage in one second and cold emptiness in the second? She knew she wasn’t alone. There had to be someone else who could acutally tell her what was happening to her. Surely, a psychologist would come to her aid, if she couldn’t figure it out herself.
The modern world has a term for people who go to psychologists to sort out their issues. They brand them with the term ‘mad’. But what they don’t see is that these ‘mad’ people sometimes require a little push in their pursuits. In fact they are the braver of the lot who pluck up enough courage to face the fact that things are not going well for them, and that they need another experienced individual’s say in the matter. On the one hand there are these ‘mad’ people. And then, on the other hand you have the ‘world’, that consists of cowardly individuals that have nothing better to do than criticize the on-goings of these select few ‘mad’ people. If being different means to be termed as ‘mad’, so be it, she decided.
She was caught between the decision of going to a family friend who had practised psychology and going to a complete stranger as a result of which no one would find out that she had been to a psychologist. Going to the family friend would mean that her mother would eventually find out. Then she pondered upon whether she should come clean with what was on her mind or continue with secrecy. Her mother. That was that one thing in which she had never found peace. She loved her mother, but that had nothing to do with the fact that she could not stand her. Everytime they talked they would end up fighting. Although she yearned for drama, she desperately wanted to make ammends with her mother. Because what happened between them wasn’t drama, it was pain all the way through.
It took her a long time to come to terms with the fact that she was happy after a really long time. This period of what can be called self exile from the state of happiness was extended more than intended. She couldn’t believe that after such a long time she was actually happy. Newer theories based on experiences replaced the old ones based on sheer prejudice. She was happy that things were finally working out and glad that things were straightened out between her and meleha. She had missed meleha all this time. Things become insanely dry for a girl without her best friend around. This absence depends upon the circumstances of the two girls. A fight has the potential to ruin the entire nature of their relationship. Why is it so hard to remember the lessons learnt in life, for instance a lesson learnt about not hurting the people you love most?
She was positive that the rift between them had been cemented, but how many such more rifts could the rock stand? What if the constant cementing made of only sand shattered the rock altogether. It was a scary notion and she chose not to ponder about with it. At this precise moment her mobile phone rang.
Her thoughts drifted back to the time she enjoyed company. The company of people, the company of friends, the company of family and nonetheless, the company of books and music. The two things she treasured more than anything else in the world. She was positive that one day it would all end, the entire prospect of company would desert her life, and that’s when she was going to need tunes and words to take care of her. She’d become very indifferent to anyone being around her since the incident. She wasn’t sure if she hated it, but somehow she didn’t mind it that much.
So today when her thoughts took her back to those days she pondered about the fact about how her life would have been if she hadn’t lost it all, if that one day had turned differently. She always wanted her life to turn out differently, a good different, not anything sinister. So she plucked up enough courage to even begin to reminisce that day.
She was twenty-three. Just about to turn twenty-four, but well. She had already made something of herself, an image she had always dreamed about. Her book had hit off quite well. Her album was doing quite well, and she was positive that he would finally propose to her. She couldn’t be more happier. She looked forward to the dinner she was going to have with him, that very evening. She was going to see him after such a long time. She couldn’t even recall the last decent conversation she’d had with him. He was busy, she was pre-occupied. After all you couldn’t really expect to have a lovey-dovey relationship with an international legal advisor. There had been much speculation about the difference in their ages. He was thirteen years older than she was. But again, love knows not of age boundaries, she always said. She didn’t care about what the world said. She firmly believed that her relationship with him is what kept many second-rate tabloids in business. It was everything they could ask for, it was glamorous, it was news-worthy and it was a hot story. She was a twenty three year old nuveau riche and he was a thirty six year old millionnaire.
She’d taken a little too much effort to dress up well that evening. She wanted to leave no stone unturned. She personally saw to it that her car arrived on time, calling the limousine pick up service at least fifteen times. She sent her assistant back and forth thrice before she finally decided the type and year of the wine she wanted. And if this wasn’t enough, she reached the restaurant a well twenty minutes in advance to check if the flowers on their table were perfect and if the jazz band was not some college group waiting to make it big. Little did she know that just two hours later she would take the worst decision of her life.
She was never really good with temper, had a problem controlling it ever since she was a little girl. In split seconds she would be furious and in the next second itself she would return to her senses.
ay awake any longer, she had to sleep…
